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Characters: Herbert
Gloria
Mary
An Alien
Place:
A high hilltop, in
Time: June 2000
HERBERT:
[Looking out over the audience through his night-vision binoculars or ‘bins’] God, it’s a perfect night! Visibility with these bins must be 25 miles. I’ve got a feeling about tonight. A real feeling.
GLORIA:
[Whining] Herb, Herb it’s clouding over. I think it might rain.
HERBERT:
It was a June night in ’88. One night past full moon, just like tonight, and you could see the lights of the City.
GLORIA:
But the City’s 80 miles away, Herb.
HERBERT:
I’ve got a feeling, Gloria, a feeling. This night could be IT. I’m gonna start shooting right now, that’s how sure I feel!
[He gets a camcorder strapped on top of a pith helmet out of his pick-up truck and straps it on his head, sets it going.]
See? Leaves my hands free for the bins.
GLORIA:
Herb, I feel foolish. How long are we going to stand here?
HERBERT:
They’ll come soon. Very soon. Keep your eyes peeled. I feel it.
GLORIA:
Herb, I hate to say it and break your concentration but, this is only our third date and I know it’s in the moonlight which should be very romantic but, Herb, I’m feeling chilly.
HERBERT:
[Still not looking at her - he hasn’t done so yet] Bear with me Gloria. If you’re gonna date Herbert Blumquith you’re gonna have to put up with a little discomfort, because I am a man on a collision course with destiny.
GLORIA:
You are a
computer programmer, Herbert, for a small company in
HERBERT:
At least this is better than a second date in a fucking cemetery!
GLORIA:
Herbert! Watch your language! You know I don’t like that, especially about hallowed ground. I told you before we went out that it was June 9th, the day Papa died, and I always pray at his grave that night. You didn’t have to come. You said you wanted to.
HERBERT:
I didn’t know you were going to say the whole f… [he catches himself] rosary! And mow the grass. And plant new flowers.
GLORIA:
If you want to date Gloria Espinosa, Herbert, you have to put up with a little prayer.
HERBERT:
It took two hours! [whizzing round to look through the binoculars] What was that? Nothing.
GLORIA:
Herb. Herb, we did go to the Red Lobster after. Herb, I’m hungry. And I still feel bad about hitting that sheep on the way up here. It wasn’t completely dead, Herb. We should have turned round and phoned the police.
HERBERT:
You feel bad! It crumpled my whole wing. It’s gonna cost me an arm and a leg!
GLORIA:
It must be dead by now. I hope. I wonder what Father Alphonse would think about what we’re doing now, Herb? I don’t feel it’s right. Waiting for ET or whoever. It seems like going against God.
HERBERT:
When you next go on a date with Father Alphonse you can ask him. Gloria I hope you don’t decide every one of your actions by what a priest would think of it, because if so, I’m pretty much out of luck with this relationship. Not that I only want one thing, but you’re a beautiful woman, Gloria.
GLORIA:
Oh, Herbert!
HERBERT:
Here, have a shot of this. [He passes her a hip flask]. This’ll keep the chill off.
GLORIA:
I’m uncomfortable, Herb. A good Catholic girl shouldn’t be waiting for … for…
HERBERT:
Gloria, you talk too much. You’ll scare them away. We have to be ready for them. In our hearts. They won’t come for people who don’t believe. Why would they bother with someone else, when I am here, totally ready.
GLORIA:
Come for people? What are you… You want to be abducted? Oh, Mary, Mother of God. Herbert, take me home!
HERBERT:
They’re coming. I can feel it in my spine. Same as when I first saw the lights. June 19th 1989. And I’ve been here almost every night since. Almost every night for twelve years.
GLORIA:
I’m going to sit in the truck, Herb. If you won’t take me home I will sit in the truck until… Herb! There’s a face on your truck! Her, Herb there’s... Oh God! Oh God!
HERBERT:
Yessir, my spine’s all atingle tonight.
GLORIA:
Herb do you… do you see what I see? [She tugs animatedly at his sleeve]. See on the side of your truck there, look Herb!
HERBERT:
[He swings his night bins round to take a look. Sees nothing, of course, lowers them]. Gloria, what are you talking about? That’s just where I hit that sheep. It’s a crumpled wing, that’s all, and it’s going to the shop on Monday.
GLORIA:
No! Don’t you see? In the moonlight! It’s a face.
HERBERT:
Yeah, it does look like a face, a little. Sort of. Big deal. [He swings back to his watch of the night sky].
GLORIA:
Not any face, Herb. It’s Mary. Mary herself. The Virgin. Look, she’s holding out her hands to me.
[Gloria
falls on her knees in front of the truck, hands holding her rosary before her
face, rapt, barely able to look, as if the vision is too bright.
Mary’s face appears more clearly
on the side of the truck. And then her hands outstretched in blessing. She is
dressed like the Virgin of
Oh, Herbert look! She has the stigmata. She is crying!
HERBERT:
Oh Shit! Oh Holy Shit! Here they come! Here! Here I am! Here! [Herbert starts to jump up and down and wave. He has paddles like they use in airports to guide taxiing planes]. I’m here!
MARY:
My child. Gloria.
ALIEN:
[A metallic, robotic, echoing voice from above]. Are you Herbert Blumquith?
GLORIA:
[To Mary] What… What would you have me do?
HERBERT:
Here! I’m here! Herbert Blumquith!
MARY:
Tend my garden.
ALIEN:
[Appears sliding down within a great vertical shaft of light from above. A man in a glittering silver suit. Approaches Herbert and uses various instruments to probe inside his mouth, eyes, and to scan his body. To Herbert, very slowly and deliberately with his robotic accent:]
I come to take you away.
MARY:
[To Gloria] Look after my sheep.
GLORIA:
Sheep? Was it one of your sheep that we hit? I knew it!
HERBERT:
I… I’m ready. [The Alien smashes Herb’s hat and camcorder to the ground.] No! I…
ALIEN:
[Sees the Virgin Mary for the first time. While continuing to speak to Herbert in a robotic voice, the alien speaks to Mary in a normal voice. To Mary:]. What are you doing here?
MARY:
My child.
ALIEN:
I’m not your child!
GLORIA:
You don’t look like ET at all.
HERBERT:
Gloria, what’s happening? Who is that woman?
ALIEN:
[To Herbert, in robotic voice:] She’s the Virgin Mary. An outmoded mythic being. [To Mary, in ordinary voice:] You have no right to be here!
HERBERT:
Exactly!
GLORIA:
Herbert!
MARY:
I have always been here.
ALIEN:
You, Lady, are last year! I am this year!
MARY:
I am always. You are a moment.
GLORIA:
[Kneeling] May I touch your dress?
MARY:
[Standing up] You have new clothes, a new shape. I like them.
ALIEN:
Madam, I am from the Zoganthian star system. This is my first specimen collection tour. You have never seen me before.
MARY:
[Seeming
to shake off a role, drops her cloak, comes forward from the truck onto center
stage] Now, now, dear. You
always were a little excitable. You played the Sun God in
HERBERT:
What are you talking about? He’s an alien. He has nothing to do with religion.
ALIEN:
Well, I have my spiritual side, of course, but…
HERBERT:
It’s time we were going. I’m ready. Beam me up. Forget her.
GLORIA:
Herbert how dare you!
[Herbert shrugs. Women! He has more important things on his mind.]
MARY:
[To Alien] Bless you, child, you are so young, in this current form, so naïve and quite charming, really. Quite extraordinarily charming… [She walks over to him, flirtatiously. Gloria yelps in dismay]
HERBERT:
[Stepping protectively in front of the alien] Stay back, Mother. I thought you were supposed to be a Virgin.
MARY:
Virgin, Mother,
Crone. Party Girl, Priestess, Saint & Martyr,
GLORIA:
No. No!
HERBERT:
Of the Universe? Oh, please. Let’s get out of here.
ALIEN:
You are the emanation of the collective fantasies of a semi-intelligent species on a very obscure little planet on the outer arm of a third-rate galaxy.
MARY:
In which case how come you can see me? Oh no, sparkly boy, I still have some power and life left in me.
HERBERT:
[Disgusted]. What’s with your hands?
GLORIA:
Mother Mary, you are suffering for us! Don’t turn your back on your Son! You are not a whore! [sobbing] You are not! You are not!
MARY:
There, there child. You will understand in time. There is a time to blaze from heaven, and a time for your son to die on the Cross. And now, I think … I feel… it is time to rejuvenate the world! A time to wake and create. We need an up-to-date story to win back the disbelievers. How splendid to find a handsome young godling at just the right moment…
ALIEN:
Lady, I don’t know what you have in mind…
GLORIA:
No, Mother, NO!
HERBERT:
Lady, you’re upsetting Gloria. Just stick to who you are supposed to be.
GLORIA:
Oh Herbert!
HERBERT:
[To the alien]. And why are you listening to her? Just stick to who you are supposed to be and get me out of here.
MARY:
[To
the alien]. I think you know exactly what I want. Remember
ALIEN:
Lady, let’s keep this strictly on an intellectual plane.
MARY:
No, no, sweet thing. Your head is not your finest feature.
ALIEN:
Herbert Blumquith, can you explain to me what this female is doing? My “What Every Zoganthian Needs to Know” manual suggests she is attempting reproductive behavior.
HERBERT:
She’s mentally ill. I don’t know who she is. Escaped from some institution probably. Gloria can take care of her. We’re out of here.
GLORIA:
Herbert, you’re a bum.
MARY:
[To the Alien:] Can’t you feel it in your bones? In your loins? You little fool! We need to create! Take off that suit! The moon is up!
ALIEN:
Madam, you are no Creator. The humans made you. They will make their next metaphors appropriate to these new and more high tech times. [Struts vainly].
MARY:
Think a sparkly suit’ll do it? Think the real techies, the Linux people, the nano engineers, the gene splicers are going to be inspired by you? This, this Herbert is impressed, but he’s just a hack!
GLORIA:
He is not!
ALIEN:
Lady, I gotta go. I got specimens to collect.
HERBERT:
Finally!
MARY:
Wait! Think what our child could be this time! High Tech and Goddess! I feel my juices flowing, something is going to be created! Honey boy, this is your destiny! And besides….[coyly]… don’t you want the absolute moment of your life?
HERBERT and GLORIA:
This is embarassing.
ALIEN:
Lady. First, I have no spine, no bones and no juices you would recognize. Second, we do not reproduce sexually. This form is just a mask, so as not to frighten the natives. I find your whole performance comical and disgusting.
MARY:
You’re taking it too far! When you were Apollo you could never resist me! Even when you were Big Father All Powerful you did it with me once! Leave off this alien shit. I am open for you, flowing for you, we are going to make all things new again!
ALIEN:
Sorry. I really am a non-sexually-reproducing, exoskeletal specimen collector from an unimaginably distant star system. [He pulls Herbert aside].
MARY:
Go then! And may you be cursed to all eternity to dissect and analyze and never, ever roll in the moonlight with a Goddess.
ALIEN, HERBERT and GLORIA:
Please!
MARY:
[Distraught. Tearing her hair in a rage. Suddenly turns quite reasonably to the audience and says cheerfully] This is going to be harder than I thought. [She storms off and sits down with her head in her hands].
ALIEN:
[To Herbert] Before we go, please fill out this form. [Hands him a clipboard.]
HERBERT:
What?
ALIEN:
Just a small matter of galactic indemnity. Afterwards you’ll forget I ever gave it to you. If you want to go, fill it out.
[The alien and Herbert stand aside, as Herbert disbelievingly fills out the form].
GLORIA:
Mother, are you ill? What can I do? I have some double strength ibuprofen in my bag.
[Gloria sits down and puts her arms around Mary. Unseen by them, a beam of light comes down and Herbert slides up it into the sky, followed by the alien. Lights dim. Gloria falls asleep. Mary gets up quietly and vanishes back into the truck fender].
[It is morning. Gloria wakes – she has slept for hours].
GLORIA:
Oh God, my head.
She’s gone! Mary,
[She staggers up and goes to kneel before the truck. Unseen by her, Herbert slides down a shaft of light and lands near her. The light beam turns off. Herb walks around at first somewhat dazed, then increasingly buoyant. He actually seems to notice Gloria and in fact drinks in the sight of her before he speaks.]
HERBERT:
Your apparition’s gone, Gloria. It’s dawn. It was a trick of the moonlight. [They both look at the truck: it has a big dent in it, that’s all].
GLORIA:
Dawn? I’ve been here all night? How could you…?
HERBERT:
I wasn’t here. They took me up. I have been in their starship, Gloria. They implanted something in my brain. I am a new thing. A new being. Gloria, we have a purpose.
GLORIA:
What are you talking about? Mary, the Mother of God, was here, with me, and you’re still talking spaceships? You think I just had a vision or something, stupid little Gloria, well let me tell you…
HERBERT:
You are a vision, Gloria. A goddamned beautiful woman. Get to your feet. I want to kiss you.
GLORIA:
Oh! Herbert! [She rises]. You really have a kind of sparkle this morning! [He moves to kiss her]. And I haven’t even brushed my teeth! [They kiss, passionately].
HERBERT:
You’re a goddess, Gloria! Come back to my place and make love to me.
GLORIA:
But I’m a virgin, Herbert, and …
HERBERT:
Doesn’t matter to me! In fact, somehow it feels right!
GLORIA:
… and a good Catholic girl.
HERBERT:
Then let’s find a priest and get married today. We have no time to lose! The world is new this morning! We have work to do!
GLORIA:
OK, Sparkly Boy. And . . . we can forget about the priest. I feel so… I feel different … I think I feel a new metaphor coming on… What’s that? [An animal wanders on to the stage]. Oh! It’s the sheep! It’s all right! It survived!
HERBERT:
So it’s a miracle. Put it in the truck and let’s get out of here!
THE END